Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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