He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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