Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
