He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
