i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
