Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
