Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She's the barista slut.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
