Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
