i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
