I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize