I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
