I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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