Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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