you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
