I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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