It was confusing and full of hummus
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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