i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
