we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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