i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
