Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
