Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
