Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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