I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize