My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
