So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
