I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
