I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
