Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
