SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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