I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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