hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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