I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
