So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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