Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
