You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
