he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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