I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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