On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
