I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
