My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She even gives head with a lisp.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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