wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
