Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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