Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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