Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
