1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
