I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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