i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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