My brain says no but my pants say off.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
