your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
