have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
