Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
