i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
