and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
