I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
