Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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