She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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