I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
