need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize