Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
