My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
