I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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