So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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