My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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