shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
