My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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