My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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