Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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