I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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