does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
