You're so nebulous sometimes
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
