On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
