So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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