everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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