those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
