a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
