Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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