I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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