i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
